So is EDAW2018 and I debated whether I should write something or not…I’ve decided to go for it as I guess this is reality…
I wish I could write that I feel amazing now that I am a Mummy and that I am managing my new identity as a Mum alongside maintaining my recovery from anorexia. Unfortunately, I can’t. I will, however, get back to health because I know I can.
Becoming a Mummy turns your life upside down. Your priorities change and you start to put this tiny human being’s needs in front of your own. Obviously this is what has to happen as your little newborn is 100% reliant on you to meet all of their needs 24/7.
I can’t really pinpoint exactly what happened. Prior to having Charlotte I was really well. I ate what I wanted, went to the gym and didn’t even think about what I was having/doing. I would have said that I as 99% recovered (no black and white thinking here)! On the day I had her, I felt a bit teary (as everyone does!) but it continued to get worse. My mood was low, I felt dead inside and I had no appetite. I guess this is where it started. I ate what I felt like eating, but it was by no means enough. Little was I realising that over the next few weeks, that ‘voice’ was creeping back in…’you shouldn’t have that…’, ‘why did you have that?’, ‘how are you going to burn that off now?’, ‘you’re so stupid…’ etc etc. I started losing weight rapidly and as the numbers dropped, I started feeling that ‘buzz’ again. People were commenting ‘you don’t look like you have just had a baby!’, ‘you look great’, ‘how do you look like that already?’ Etc. It’s by no means anyones fault as they weren’t to know, but all of these comments just fuelled the voice even more…
For one of the first times ever, I have been able to accept help and things are improving. When I was pregnant and all of the support was being put in place ‘just incase’ I remember thinking that it was all really over the top because I was fine. I’m now grateful that it was all sorted out whilst I was well as I have been able to access the right support instantly.
This story doesn’t have a happy end yet. I’m battling this stupid/evil/bullying voice every day. I will not be beaten. It’s just harder this time to have the time to dedicate to getting back on track when you have a little human relying on you and their needs must come first. On the plus side, my mood has improved and this is having a positive impact on my motivation and commitment to getting back on track with my food again.
I want to be able to take photos of both Charlotte and I and look back at them with pride. I don’t want to look back in years to come and regret that I look tired/drawn in all of my photos of Charlotte’s early months.